It just comes natural...or so I thought

As a new mom I am constantly learning new things or realizing things don't happen the way I previously thought they did. One of the main things that I've had to restructure my thinking about over the last few weeks ended up being much more frustrating, and at times emotional, than I ever imagined.....breastfeeding. I always assumed that breastfeeding was something that happened naturally - both a mother's ability to produce milk and a baby's ability to latch on and drink it. I know there's big debates on the breast milk vs formula topic but I always figured that women who fed their babies formula did it by choice. When I was pregnant I fully planned on breastfeeding exclusively, because of the health benefits, the convenience and of course the fact that its free. Then I had a baby 6 weeks early and everything changed. 

With Baby Girl in the NICU and being fed through a tube for the first couple weeks, obviously nursing was out of the question but  I could pump so that she would get breast milk and that ideally my milk would come in. So I pumped when I was at the hospital and I pumped when I was at home...every 3-4 hours as much as possible. I even got up in the middle of the night just to pump. I was getting some milk every time, but it never seemed to increase much, at least not to the point where I was able to feed my daughter just with my milk. The hospital staff said that it would probably increase and get better once we were home but in the mean time to just keep pumping so that's what I did. Once Baby Girl was able to I tried to nurse her, which is where we encountered the second problem - she couldn't latch really without the help of a nipple shield and even then she wasn't getting much more than half an ounce. 

To make a long story short, I tried for 3 weeks after we left the NICU  and never got to a point where my milk volume increased to a level where I could just feed her my milk or where I could get her to latch on for more than a couple minutes at a time. It was a hard thing to deal with because I thought this was something that I was supposed to be able to do but instead I was failing my small daughter in one of the most basic ways. Of course she was still being fed, but she was supposed to be getting breast milk but I couldn't provide it for her. 

I started talking to some of my friends that have kids about my frustrations and several of them said that they too weren't able to breastfeed their kids either. Then I looked online and found more stories of other women that couldn't either and I started to realize that its not my fault and that I'm not failing my baby. Once I accepted that I was able to start rethinking my plans. All together I tried for 6 weeks to get my milk to come in and it never did but by the end I was ok with the fact that it wasn't going to happen so I returned the rental pump and threw in the towel.

Since making that decision, and changing my views on the whole subject life has gotten much less stressful. Sure its not exactly how i wanted things to go, but things aren't in my control. And on the bright side I can have coffee and wine now so that's an added bonus.

 

Operation New Year, New Me

Like many others, I'm hoping to take advantage of the new year by making changes in my life. I don't want to call them resolutions because I'm never very good at keeping them. I want to make changes that I can implement slowly and hopefully turn them into habits that become part of who I am. The two main areas I want to work on are physical health (eating better, exercising more, etc) and cutting back on the clutter/messes in my life.  Right now my goals are to exercise 5 days a week in some form or another, even if its just going for a walk. The point is to MOVE for at least 45 minutes on those days.

When it comes to cutting back on the clutter/messes my plan is to tackle different areas each month. For January its my closet and dresser. I spent my last day of 2013 cleaning out my closet and drawers and getting everything organized giving me a fresh start and no excuses as I began 2014. Each month I'll focus on a different area of the house while staying on top of the previous areas as well. I'm excited to see what changes I can make this year!

Everything is great...Until its Not

In April of this year I found out I was pregnant. I seemed to behaving the easiest pregnancy in the history of the world. I didn't get sick EVER. I felt great. I didn't have any bizarre late night cravings, although I did go through boxes of Cinnamon Toast Crunch like never before. I didn't have any major crazy breakdowns in public, much to the disappointment of my co-workers. (My husband disputes this fact because of a mini breakdown I had while trying to pick out a couch.)  All in all things were going great. Then all of a sudden things went terribly, horribly wrong.

On November 15, when I was 34 weeks pregnant, I went to my doctor for my regular appointment, feeling fine. My blood pressure that day was very high so the doctor sent me to get blood drawn and do the 24 hour protein test, which I was very excited about, to test for Preeclampsia. It was a Friday so I knew I wouldn't hear anything back until at least Monday. The rest of the night was fairly uneventful. My stomach seemed a bit upset, but it was nothing I was worried about so we went to bed. I woke up at 12:30am and went to the bathroom like had become my routine for the last few weeks. My stomach no longer hurt, which was great so I went back to bed..... That's the last thing I remember until sometime Saturday afternoon when I woke up in a fog in the hospital and they told me my baby was here.

So what happened?

My husband woke up about 2am to me having a seizure in bed beside him. He called 911 and they rushed me to the hospital. I was swollen beyond belief and had crazy high blood pressure. In short, Eclampsia hit me full force. I ended up having 2 more seizures before everything was said and done. They were worried about me having a stroke...or possibly worse... The only way to cure eclampsia is to deliver the baby so in order to save both our lives, and emergency c section was performed and at 6:23am Baby Girl was born. Apparently I was awake and talking to people until they put me under for the surgery, but I don't have any memory of it. I started to have one faint memory of a guy saying my name then telling me they would have to deliver the baby, I think maybe it was in the ambulance. It feels more like a dream than anything else though so I'm not totally sure.

The whole situation was pretty scary, more so for my poor husband than for me simply because I don't remember it. I'm just thankful that both the baby and I are ok and for the most part completely healthy. Since she was early we're having to stay in the NICU for a while until she learns to eat, but other than that she's perfectly healthy which is all I care about. My blood pressure is still somewhat out of control so I'm working on that.

I'm still trying to process the whole thing - the fact that I could've died, that I had a baby without ever feeling a contraction or going through labor, that there is a chance this will happen again if we decide to have another kid. In the meantime I'm thankful that I have such an amazing husband who always has and continues to take care of me and a beautiful, healthy baby girl.

Not gonna lie, I'm a bit scared

Today was the 40th running of the New York Marathon, one of the world's largest races. We caught the last bit of television coverage as the winners crossed the finish line. I sat in awe as they finished the last 6 miles, running somewhere in the ballpark of a 4:30-5 minute mile. That's INSANE! I can't even run a half mile in that time. The winner for the men was Geoffrey Mutai from Kenya with a time of 2:05:05 (destroying the course record of 2:07:30) and Firehiwot Dado of Ethiopia won the women's race in 2:23:15. I'm pretty sure my legs won't move that fast. As they showed some of the other 47,107 participants I got my first real glimpse of what's in store for me. My race is capped at 1,000 so it will be no where near as packed, but I'm definitely intimidated by it.

My solution to my intimidation was to get out and run. The last two weeks haven't been that great as far as my training goes due to being sick and cold/snowy weather. I was supposed to do a 4 mile long run yesterday, but decided running in the cold wasn't a good idea until I stop being sick. Today the sun was out and it got into the 40s, so I decided it would be ok to run. I grabbed the dogs and off we went. I've learned that running with both dogs helps me to run faster and farther than I when I'm alone. I wasn't planning on having a good run, simply because my last couple weren't that great, but I went anyway.

I'm really glad I did! I don't know if it was the motivation from the NY race, the dogs, or what but I did my 4 miles in 58 minutes. That breaks down to about a 14 minute mile, which isn't stellar, but I was consistent. I only took a couple brief walk breaks. Right now I'm not as concerned with time as I am being able to run the distance, so every time I run a bit more and walk a bit less its a win.

I still don't consider myself a runner, but I did miss it last week when I was sick. I don't like getting out there and doing it...but I do love the fact that I see myself improving each week that I get out there. I guess I am starting to understand why runners run, something I never thought would happen.


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Tools for Success

People are running marathons much more than they were 15-20 years ago. I think a lot of it is with how easy its become. I don't mean that running 26.2 miles has actually become easier, but there are more tools available to help you train properly. Gadgets to track your progress, music to inspire you, and programs to follow all for free online. These are the two that I've found most helpful in my training so far:

• MapMyFitness.com I've got the app on my ipod as well as on my andriod phone, so it gets used quite a bit. It uses GPS signals to track your route so you can determine how far you've gone. It's a little off when I use my ipod, but you can save your workout then go back online and edit it to reflect the correct distances. Since it keeps a record of your workouts you can quickly see how you're improving. You can also track calories, but I haven't done that much yet.
• rockmyrun.com This is a great site to download FREE music mixes.They display track listings, lengths and beats per minute. Its a great way to add a variety of music at a continuous beat with minimal effort. I just discovered this a few days ago, but I"m excited to explore more of their options. 

Training is going good so far. I know I've got a long way to go, but I'm feeling stronger every day (well most days anyway) so I really think this is one goal I can accomplish. 

Days until marathon: 204

Let the training begin...officially!

Tomorrow marks the offical start date for my marathon training plan. It's the Super Novice plan from Hal Higdon's website. That means that at this time in 30 weeks, I will be able to say that I've successfully run a marathon. I'm excited to have a clear plan of action- never having to determine on my own how far I should run. It's already on the calendar. Its just up to me to get out the door and do it.

I'm amazed at how much has already changed since I had the idea to do this. Starting out 3 weeks ago I couldn't run a mile without taking a break (or two) and now I'm fairly consistently running 1.5-2 miles without stopping at all. Granted, I'm not going to be breaking any world records for my speed, but I don't care. I'm beating my records, and thats all I really care about. The feeling of accomplishment you get is enough to keep me coming back for more. Last week I forced myself out of bed at 5:30am on a Friday to get my run in for the day because I knew I wouldn't have time later in the day. I laid in bed trying to come up with every excuse I could think of. The conversation in my head went something like this:

             "I really don't want to get up and run today"
                                    "You have to, you didn't run yesterday, and you won't have time tonight"
              "I don't feel good."
                                    "You feel fine. Now get up!"
              "My knee hurts"
                                    "No it doesn't. Just take it slow and only do 1 mile"
                "Ok. Fine"

So out I went. It was still dark out, so as I started my run I could still see the stars. It was very peaceful. As I continued to run, I reached the point in the route that I usually stp and walk, but I was feeling good, so I kept running. Then I reached the one mile point, and was still feeling ok, so I kept running....and running...and running. I finally got to a point where I was ready to stop, but realized I didn't have much farther to go, so I decided to push on. The motivation to say I'd done it was enough to keep me going and sure enough I finished. 2 miles- non stop. I'm holding on to that feeling of accomplishment to keep me going - out the door- until I surpass that accomplishment with 3 miles. Then 4. and eventually 26.2!  I know its going to take time, but for now I'm going to celebrate each small victory or just the simple fact that I got outside and did it.

I've learned I have a lot to learn!

I'm officially registered for the marathon and have begun my training. One thing that I've learned is that I have a LOT to learn. Running a marathon isn't as simple as running - as long as you can, as far as you can, as often as you can. Just doing that will quickly lead to injury and burnout. I've become a bit of a sponge, trying to learn as much as I can so that I can succeed. Here's what I've realized that I know little to nothing about when it comes to long distance running:

Running- This seems simple enough, but its not. At least if you want to prepare yourself in a way to actually succeed. How far do you run? How long? What shoes do I need? Luckily these answers are easy to find online. I'm using Hal Higdon's "Super Novice" running plan, which is a 30 week program and breaks it down day by day of what you should do. As for shoes, local running stores can analyze your running and determine what shoes would be best for you. 

Eating- After spending a couple days this week feeling sick or starving all the time, I realized that it was because I didn't know how to eat, or rather, WHAT to eat. Eating a healthy, low cal diet isn't going to cut it, but I've yet to figure out what the balance is so that I can lose weight AND have enough to sustain me on runs. 

Stretching, weight training, balancing runs with the rest of life...these are all other components that I've yet to figure out. Luckily I've still got some time.

Days until marathon: 224

Total Miles Run this week: 13

Starting my run to 30

On May 7, I will turn the dreaded 3-0. My life will be over....ok, maybe that's a bit of an exaggeration, but still. I decided that I needed to do something drastic to jump start my "eat better, lose weight, exercise more" plan that I have yet to succeed at. Last week I found myself looking on active.com, which lists practically all of the races (running, biking, etc) in the country. I'm not entirely sure how i got there, but I had fun looking at all the things I could do- provided I was a runner/biker/triathlete. As of now, I can't run a mile without walking for a little bit. But, one particular run caught my eye. It's the Colorado Marathon and it's being held on May 6 in Fort Collins, which is where I live. It got me thinking- what a better way to end my 20s than my successfully completing a marathon. The more I thought about it, okay, I think I thought about it for about an hour, the more I realized that I didn't really have a good reason not to. If I start training now and doing a little bit at a time, there's really no reason I can't do it. I won't win, in terms of coming in first place anyway, but crossing the finish line after 26.2 miles in any position will count as a win for me.

Some people think I'm crazy for doing it. Shouldn't I start with a 5k...a 10k...or even a half marathon before just jumping in and doing the full thing? The way I see it, I'll cover all those as part of my training for the full, so why not just start there. Plus, 26.2 miles is terrifying, which is exactly what I need to actually do it. I know that if I don't train properly, and eat better then there's no possible way I can finish. It's the size of this challenge that will keep me going.

I realize that not everyone is quite as daring (or crazy) as I am, but I'd love for you to join me in whatever capacity you'd like- running the race with me (or the half, 10k or 5k), being there to cheer me on (I will certainly need that), just praying for me throughout my training process, or taking on a challenge of your own.

Countdown to the race: 227 Days

MLK Resolutions (Part 1)

Since I missed the chance to declare my 2011 resolutions at the beginning of the month, I'm going to be different. I'm going to make Martin Luther King, Jr. resolutions instead. Resolutions are designed to challenge you to make positive changes in your life. So what better day to make new resolutions than on a day dedicated to honoring a man committed to making positive changes. My MLK resolution can be summed up by something Mr. King once said,

"It does not matter how long you live, but how well you do it."

So what exactly does that mean? It means that this year, I am committed to living well, enjoying life, to helping others, bettering my relationships and actively making sure that my life matters. The way I see it, it can be broken down o a few things:
1. Be healthy-  I'm not talking about the standard "lose weight, eat better, exercise more" mantra that is so common in early January but long forgotten come March. True, those are all part of it, but I'm looking at it from a different perspective this time. I want to exercise more and eat better because it makes me feel better. When I'm working out regularly I notice a difference in my energy level  - I have more of it. Which means I don't fall asleep on the couch every night (something that drives Hubby crazy). I'm going to try to eat better - but if I want ice cream... I'm eating ice cream, although maybe a smaller bowl, because that falls into the enjoying life part.
2. Be happy - In other words, do more of the things that make me happy and less of the things that don't. This covers a variety of things, but my approach to this is inspired in part by The Happiness Project  by Gretchin Rubin and by my friend Justin's Operation: Consolidation. In Justin's blog, he talks about getting rid of useless clutter. Something that I have a lot of in my life, so I'm going to try to eliminate it.
        I started today with my closet with a "cut throat cleaning session," which basically involved going through all my clothes (in the closet and dresser) and get rid of the stuff I don't wear. My rules were simple- whatever my gut reaction was to an item I went with- keep or toss, no second guessing. It took me just over an hour, but I ended up with two trash bags full of clothes that didn't make the cut and a pile of empty hangers. Seeing my closet organized and with a bit of room made me instantly happy...mission accomplished!
 
       Another part of this is that I hate cleaning, mainly because most of my days off are spent cleaning. So, I'm going to try to dedicate the last 15 minutes of every day to cleaning something, so that hopefully come my next day off, I won't have to do anything, with the exception of my 15 minutes. That being said, I need to go start on my cleaning for today....so the rest of this will have to wait until tomorrow....
 

Caution Sharp Turns Ahead!

Growing up we all had ideas of what our life would be like as a "grown-up". I don't know about you, but I could close my eyes and picture what was on the road ahead. There was only one problem- I forgot to factor in "life". All the junk that messes up the path we're on. The junk is different for everyone - bills, careers, relationships, drugs, alcohol, families, friends, you name it. For some people it might be obvious - my life changed when ______. For others, it might not be so cut and dry. They just wake up one day and think "How did I get here?"  Whatever the case may be, the fact remains, life is really good at throwing you curves.

I know for me, 2010 has been full of them. I'm not saying that they're bad necessarily - just different. The path I'm on has just taken a hard left spitting me out in a direction I never imagined. I find myself being faced with decisions I never dreamed I would be making. Decisions that will drastically change the road I'm on. That's not to say it's not the road that God intended for me, its just not what I had in mind. Do I stay on my path or do I head off into uncharted territory and trust that this is all part of God's plan? I've decided to go for it and see what happens. The new road is scary, exciting, and heartbreaking, but it's what is best. So thank you in advance for your prayers and support on our new adventures. We're gonna need it!

Sound familiar?

How is it Christmas already again? I've barely recovered from last year. It's good though, because there are lots of things that I want but don't want to buy for myself. Let's see...I should get something from that person... that person....she usually gets me something....oh, and so to they. He usually gets me something stupid that I'll never use, I hope that's not the case this year. I guess that sums up who I have to by gifts for too. I don't really want to get something for that person, but they're family, so even though we never talk and I barley know them, I still have to, right? Gifts are mandatory for family aren't they? It might be good to have a back up gift too, something generic that I can give to someone if they get me something unexpectedly. I don't want to look like a jerk afterall. The whole thing is such a pain, dealing with crowded stores and grumpy people and the expense. Why is everything so dang expensive now?  Is there anyone who actually likes Christmas shopping? Then I have to go grocery shopping, which is even worse than shopping for gifts. But I have to make breads, and a million types of cookies, and I think we're having Christmas at my house this year...which means I have to figure out a whole meal and how everyone's going to fit. I've got my decorations up already. I like that part of Christmas. Well, I like them once their up anyway. Digging out all the boxes- a pain. Putting away all the regular stuff to make room for the decorations-pain. Putting Christmas lights up outside in the freezing cold- pain...no wait, HUGE pain.

Does any of that sound familiar to you? Is that how people really feel about Christmas? Most likely the answer is no, but that doesn't mean that at some point in the season some of those thoughts don't go through our heads. It's not that we hate Christmas, but that we get distracted by all the "junk". We forget about why we even celebrate Christmas (except when we're sitting in church on Christmas Eve for the first time since Easter). Christmas is about celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ, about celebrating an act of love. We celebrate because God didn't have to come to earth, but because He wanted to. He wanted us to know that He loves us.

So this Christmas season, try to remember that. The Christmas season is an opportunity for you to show those that you care about that you love them, regardless of your religious beliefs. Forget all the have-to's and focus on the want-to's, or better- turn the have-to's into want-to's.  Start giving gifts because you want to, not out of an obligation. (And if you are the recipient of a gift, remember that too. They didn't have to give you one.) Make different kinds of cookies, because you know that so-and-so likes this thumbprints, but someone else likes sugar cookies, and you want them you know you care, not just to keep them from complaining. Whether its gifts you give, cookies you make, parties you go to, or decorations you hang - your attitude through it all will come through. If you start to think of everything as another way to show love instead of another chore, maybe this Christmas won't be so frustrating.You just might be surprised. Maybe some of the magic that Christmas held when you were a child will return. Maybe you can stop dreading Christmas and start looking forward to it with excitement like you used to. There's only one way to find out.

Black Friday Reflections

With all the craziness of Black Friday and Cyber Monday it's safe to say that we are in the full swing of holiday giving. For the first time ever, I joined the chaos and headed to Target at 5:00am. Being a Black Friday amateur, I had no plan or lists to go by. I simply wandered around the store, which I know now is a bad idea. Don't get me wrong, I got some good deals, but the majority of the stuff I bought ended up being for us instead of for others. I started to feel like a jerk. Who starts off their holiday shopping by buying stuff for themselves? The more I thought about it though I realized that a lot of people probably do. If you look at the things that are on sale - TVs, pots and pans, vacuums, washers and  dryers, etc - those aren't really gifts, but necessities (at least in American standard) and so naturally you want to get a good deal on them  - whether its a Black Friday sale, Memorial Day sale or any day in between. So, maybe I'm not such a jerk after all. Next year though, I just might try again, only this time with plan to divide and conquer.

Happiness Defined

On his blog, a friend of mine recently posed the question "What is happiness to you?" and asked people to leave comments with their answers. What was initially going to be just a quick answer turned into to something a bit longer, so I thought I would expand on it a bit further and post it here. (That way I can check "blogging" off my list for the week)


To me, happiness is...
...laughing with friends
...being loved
...crawling into bed at night after a busy day
...seeing the sun rise on the snow covered Rocky Mountains
...a bowl of ice cream 
...a good cup of coffee
...flocks of Canadian geese that take over the city in the winter (I'm weird I know, but they make me happy)
...little kids that say random things (A couple instances that still make me smile months later- A 5ish year old boy at the bike track referring to his grandparents as G-Ma and G-Pa and a 3ish year old boy at the Body Works exhibit after discovering the body in the exhibit had a belly button exclaimed "I have a belly button too! Look!" then proceeded to lift up his shirt to show his grandma)

I could go on and on, but I'll stop there, at least with things that make me happy. I'm the "glass is half full" kind of a person, so there are lots of things the make me happy. In general though, I think happiness is a decision. You can choose to be happy because of your circumstances or in spite of them. I think in general we tend to focus on what we DON'T have, things that other people have that we want and that we often see has the key to being happy- "Once I have that job/relationship/house/car/etc then I'll be happy." Thinking that way will always leave you wanting more. 

Every coin has two sides though- so the key to happiness, or at least my happiness, is focusing on what I DO have- health, family, friends, a warm place to sleep at night, food to eat, clean water to drink, etc. 

Its up to us to decide what we want to focus on in our lives and the attitude we approach things with. If we let the bad stuff ruin our day, depend on the really, really good stuff to make us happy, or be happy in the small things - its all up to you. My secret to being happy is by getting it in small doses instead of waiting for the big things to happen. 
What's your secret? 

I am a warrior!

Last time I checked in, I was all fired up to do a triathlon. My training varried- some days filling me with confidence that I could accomplish the task I set out for myself. Other days I had more of a "what the heck did I get myself into" attitude. I finally decided that I would do the swimming and biking portions this year and have a friend run for me. That was definately something I could manage, even on the days I doubted myself. Then I found out that the triathlon had been sold out. On some levels I was relieved- I didn't have to worry about failure, but on another I was disappointed. Would I ever find out if  I could master the triathlon? Next year - its on.

In the mean time, I was given another challenge- the Warrior Dash.  A little over3 miles of running up a mountain, and crazy obstacles which included climbing over junkyard cars, over bales of hay, crawling through a mud pit with barbed wire overhead, cargo nets, tunnels, and fire. Looking at the pictures on the website I thought it was insane- and people that i told about it though that's exactly what I was- me and the two other friends that were becoming warriors with me. With just over three weeks to train I hit the gym pretty hard - working out morning and night when possible and running up hills outside. I even stopped at a playground one night to climb around, but then thought I might fall and break my neck, so I stopped and came home.

The day of the race we were up ridiculously early, with my "coach" aka Hubby by my side to make sure I was hydrated - water, naked juice, and a supplemental energy drink...all before 10:00am. Needless to say I made several trips to the restroom while we waited for our turn.

Then with costumes on and faces painted, we joined the other 200+ people at the starting line and we were off and running. Before the race, the three of us agreed that we would stick together - if one person needed to walk, we all walked and at 9,700 feet there was a lot of walking. Some of the obstacles were harder than others, but none of it was impossible. We finished the race covered in mud, but with a feeling of accomplishment. We took on the mountain....challenged ourselves....and succeeded. We immediately began planning for next year - and next year the boys will join us too. My goal for next year is to have a better costume and a better finish. It was good first attempt, but I know I've got more a gas in the tank.

I may not be able to say I'm a triathlete yet, but I can say, with conviction, I AM A WARRIOR!

Start crossing 'em off

Everyone has a bucket list, whether that's what they call it or not. There are things that everyone would like to accomplish/experience at some point in their life, and I am no exception. I even have some things on my list that I don't actually want to DO, but simply SAY that I've done them- running a marathon and climbing everest to name a couple. I'd do them, but I don't want to put in the time and money necessary to do them successfully and safely. Other things on my list are doable, but I've thought that I had to be more _________ (in shape, weigh less, have more moeny, etc.) before I can do even think about doing it. One of those things is run a triathlon, at least a small one- not the intense Iron Man ones that include running a marathon at the end. I'd like to do one, but I'm not in shape. I need to lose weight. Then one day I decided that my thinking was all wrong. If I want to do a triathlon, I just need to do a triathlon. Pick a date and start training. As long as the time frame is realistic and I'm committed to eating right and following a training schedule, what am I waiting for? So- I'm going to do a triathlon. It's called the Xterra and its on August 29. I decided that I needed to have one that wasn't too far off, like next summer, because then I wouldn't take it seriously now. I think my goal is doable. I don't care about winning, I just want to finish. 1/2 mile swimming, 12 miles biking, and 4.8 miles running. I CAN DO IT! 

Is there something you want to do but have been putting off until you are/have more of something? Stop waiting and just start doing it. 

Believe It.

Deserve It.

Expect It.

Prove It.

It's never too late

I started off the year pretty gung-ho about things- making changes in my life for the better. So how have I done so far? The phrase "Epic Fail" comes to mind. I weigh the same as I did in January. My bank account is just as empty. I'm no farther in my spiritual walk- unless you count my new Bible (that's I've read once) and the 20 or so church services I have attended. I guess it just goes to show that intentions aren't enough.

There are plenty of things that I haven't done, but here's some of the things that I have managed to do at least within the last few weeks. I've started drinking water almost all the time. An occasional soda will find its way in, but for the most part it's good ol' fashioned H2O. Well, that and coffee, but coffee doesn't count as a drink- its a necessity. I've also started getting up early (4:45) and going to the gym before work, something that still surprises me since I'm a fan of my bed. What's even more surprising is that I'm evening enjoying it.

 A few weeks ago I started getting mad at myself for things I've been doing in my life, or not doing in my case. I have this vision of whoI'd like to be but really didn't want to give up anything to achieve that - not my sleep, and certainly not my Moosetracks ice cream. In this situation I'm talking about physical appearances, but its carried over into other parts of my life as well- relational, spiritual, financial, etc. But back to the issue of working out. I know myself well enough to know that I have a bit of a competitive streak, and I think that applies to working out too. If left to my own devices I will not go work out on my own, or if I do, I won't work out as hard. If you're alone it's too easy to give up and I usually do.

I found the perfect solution, especially if you factor in my dislike for spending money- join a gym that offers classes that's close to home. If I'm in a room full of people there's no way I'm quitting no matter how hard it gets. If they can do it, then so can I. Period. Luckily I found a gym that's about a mile away that has daily classes starting at 5am. So there I am- almost every morning in a silent competition with a room full of people. And it works. The fact that I'm paying to be there also helps motivate me to get out of bed and go. It's a win-win situation. What's even more surprising is that even though I'm getting up an extra hour earlier I have more energy than on the days I stay in bed.

Who knew that making a little sacrifice can be so beneficial? If you break it down it's kind of like this. CONS: waking up an hour earlier, sore muscles some days
PROS: more energy, better body, healthier heart, living longer, higher self-esteem

I say a little sacrifice is definitely worth it. The key is to knowing yourself- what motivates you and what holds you back- and find a way to tap into those no matter what your goal is and it makes moving toward that goal much easier.

April 11th

If you google "What happened on April 11th in history" nothing really significant will come up. On April 11, 1947 Jackie Robinson played an exibition game with the Brooklyn Dodgers and became the first black baseball player. On April 11, 1961 Bob Dylan began his professional music career with a performace in Greenwich Village. On April 11, 1970 Apollo 13 was launched. On April 11, 1983 "Ghandi" beat "E.T." and "Tootsie" and won the Oscar for Best Picture. The list goes one, but there's one thing missing from the list. On April 11, 1990 my dad passed away.

It's hard to believe that it's been twenty years since he's been gone. They say that time heals all things, and to an extent it does, but time can never make it go away completely. There are still times I think about him. I hear friends talk about their dads and can't help but wonder what my relationship with my dad would've been. I often wonder what my husband's relationship with him would've been. There's so many "what ifs" but unfortunately there's no way to turn back the clock. The only thing I can do is make the most of the situation.
I know that our experiences are a large factor in shaping who we are, and I know that this is no different. I'm proud of the woman I've become, and I know my dad would be too. I know that I'll see him again one day and that he's watching me every day from Heaven.

Daddy, I love you and I miss you!

It's Official....

Well, it's official. I am a terrible blogger. So much for my big ideas.....

Whoever said ignorance is bliss is a liar

So far 2010 has been pretty challenging, but through it all I've come to realize that ignorance is not bliss- it's scary. As humans, I think we tend to imagine the worst when faced with something we know very little about simply because we don't know any better. Then we base our reactions on our assumptions, which only makes things worse. It's part of that "fear of the unknown" thing. So what's the answer? Get educated.

It doesn't matter what the issue is - finances, drugs, health, laws, war,  you name it - there is a way to make the scariness go away. You will always be able to find someone who knows more on the subject than you, especially with the technology today. Fifty years ago things like Google and Wikipedia didn't exist so learning about something took a bit more effort, but today you can find answers in fifteen minutes. Now I'm not saying that Google can solve all your problems, and certainly not in fifteen minutes, but I am saying that it can ease some of your fears. Knowing (not imagining) what to expect and being able to develop a plan of attack puts you in control. You end up merely taking a detour instead of being completely off the road - in the forest at night without a map.

Maybe the saying should be changed to "Denial is bliss." If you pretend that something isn't happening then maybe you can go on living a happy life. At least until the problem becomes so big that you are forced to face it. One way or another, eventually you will have to face it. You can't run away from your problems forever. Life just doesn't work that way.

The fact of the matter is that life is going to give you challenges. You need to decide what you are going to do in response- ignore it, fear it, or take control of it. Personally, I'm tired of living in fear. Its time to take control so that I can live a life of bliss - genuine, educated bliss.

The Real Tragedy

On Tuesday, January 13, a 7.0 earthquake hit Haiti, practically flattening it's capitol, Port Au Prince. Although they have yet to confirm the number dead, I've heard anywhere from 100,000 to 500,000 people lost their lives, not to mention the countless others that are still missing or injured. As America (and the world) tends to do in response to disasters, almost immediately medical supplies, food, temporary shelters and water were on planes headed to Haiti. Many other people began donating money, which in this age of technology has become incredibly simple - a few mouse clicks or a text message and you're done. For most of the Wednesday I watched my boss, almost in a state of panic, try to figure out what we could do, what HE could do, to help the Haitians immediately. The reality of it is, there wasn't much that he could do- and it seemed to be tearing him up.

As I sat at my desk and watched his normally happy, talkative demeanor change to one of sadness and defeat I began to look at my own attitude toward the situation. Yes, it is a tragedy. Yes, I feel bad for them. Yes, I'd like to help them. Yes, I will pray for them. I think all that - then go back to my regular routine- finishing my work, worrying about my financial problems, what to have for dinner, etc. At first I chalked that up to being somewhat a spoiled, self-centered American. Part of me wished I was more passionate about this Haitian tragedy, but another part of me was just fine with how I felt, and even thought that others may be going a little overboard in their reactions.

Then it dawned on me. The real reason I felt somewhat apathetic about the earthquake is that there is so much terrible things happening to people around the world on a daily basis. Why does it take a terrible tragedy for people to start to care? It's great that people are pouring out their support now, but where were they on Monday - before the earthquake, when most of the country was living on less than $1 a day? People didn't seem to care then. And what about the 25,000 children that die around the world each day from diseases that are completely preventable? How come we are not putting forth as much effort to help solve that problem? Maybe if we focus on THAT problem - helping other countries develop better infrastructure so they have water purification systems, stronger buildings, sustainable food systems, then maybe when natural disasters strike the devastation won't be as great. This earthquake could not have been prevented, and those who died could not have been saved. Deaths from a lack of clean drinking water, a steady supply of food, or basic medical supplies - those are things that CAN be prevented and yet we let millions of people die each year from them. Where is outcry then? I'm just as guilty as the next person. In the back of my mind I know the problem exists, but I don't do anything about it. I don't do anything to help. I still continue to live my life of relative luxury. God forbid I go without a cell phone, mp3 player, and DVR. So I guess it's relly myself I'm frustrated with.

I don't know what the answer is. I'm not saying don't help people in a time of tragedy. But maybe we just need to be more aware are the tragedies that are affecting people around the world on a daily basis. Not just in the aftermath of an earthquake, hurricane, tsunami or other unpreventable disaster.